I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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