I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
