im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
