Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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