it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
