tequila makes me forget i have legs
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
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The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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