My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Randomize
