that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
