i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
