The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm too high and old for this...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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