I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
