What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
