Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
