Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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