I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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