I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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