the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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