This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
