Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
