my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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