im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
bring money and cleavage
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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