Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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