there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
