I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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