My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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