I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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