My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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