I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
