I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
