Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
