i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
