Your mouth is God's brothel.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
