just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
