You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
