Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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