he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I want her autograph on my taint
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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