Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
