You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
