we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
they need to just BURY HIM!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
