I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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