i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
