PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
