did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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