I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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