p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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