Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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