That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
