Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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