Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
