Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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