I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
