the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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