Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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