sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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