I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
