last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
