soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
